7th September 2019- 1:12 a.m.

Being unemployed for a bit has really sharpened the mind. Well...it's pretty dulled and in denial about the whole 'no income' thing. But I will survive. I'm oddly arrogant about that. Or ..maybe its not arrogance. Maybe it's knowing I've been in worse situations before and have survived. Maybe it's resilience rather than arrogance.

The ways it has sharpened the mind is that having all this time, vast wads of it, has allowed me to go deep. To really stop and delve into feelings, think about the past in depth, instead of denying it entry. Combined with trying to survive a mileux which is highly constrained and revolves around receiving regular doses of emotional abuse, (just an intense level of complication I've added to the mix. Like, for kicks), I've really plumbed the depths of my own SOUL. I've been trapped in the capitalist system as a worker for so long, I wasn't even aware I HAD a soul. I thought the point of existence was to work, so that I could afford my next ASOS order, which I could wear to work, as I was working to pay for my next ASOS order. (You mean that isn't the meaning of life...?)

Some epiphanies I've had (cos I'm like, oh so deep motherfuckers):

1. It's really hard to cook and eat well, and get enough exercise and sleep when you are a full time worker. And also own 24/7 manager of pain from aggressive (but mundane) disease that is systematically attacking most of my body.

2. "I need to be mentally stronger". I woke in the middle of the night recently and it was like I was shouting that to myself in my head. At a time when I've never been mentally weaker, this was pretty insightful stuff from subconscious mind. I'd prefer a good sex dream about a certain deceased prime minister (*you know who you are, Bob) but subconscious brain goes where it will. Unless I'm having a night terror plus sleep paralysis combo. In which case, subconscious mind only goes direct to pure horror. I'm never eating fairy floss running through a lush green field being chased by cute puppies in vivid detail, as I become conscious, and am unable to move and trying to scream, pouring in night sweats. It's always pure horror that I lie paralysed and increasingly conscious of, and in.

3. I've spent a lot of time in denial about things that are plain as day. Can be proved with empiricism. And there I go, waddling about in utter denial. So seeing clearer and taking action would be another superpower I'd like to acquire.

4. If I tried talking about my feelings, by association I would also be able to articulate what I want. And wouldn't that be grand? It would also help me to clarify the things I'm in denial about.

5. Being sober for 6 months made me more aware of anxiety, because it hasn't dulled it. But it makes the anxiety easier to deal with. So I'll keep doing it. (I'm just talking about sweet precious devil juice here. All other drugs are free range. Come at me with your heroin needles and opium dens bro. I'm all tiny veins and lifelong trauma wanting to be expunged. Jack me the shit up). (Lols, even my drug references date me and make it unutterably clear that I am rarely in the path of illicit drugs.) (Let's go smoke some doobies.)

6. Yoga is for hippies. But (some) yoga is good for (some) pain. I'm not all that impressed with the beginners YouTube class I did where the instructor claimed it was for old people and injured people, and then at one point stood up, leant forward, touched the floor, and THEN PLACED HER FOREARMS ON THE FLOOR. Like it was nothing. Like we were all gonna be trying that at home "if we felt up to it". (Adrienne, you are a fucking daft bitch. And a show-off to boot.) But it may have some benefits. So I will swallow my shame about doing yoga.

7. "Accept the pain". I had a friend who has lived with chronic pain for over 40 years pretty much tell me this. It took about 8 months before I finally understood what they meant. The pain will probably always be there. It will either be better or worse than what it is I am feeling at this precise moment. Hoping it will go away, that some new drug regime or regular hydrotherapy or fucking FUCKING fish FUCKING oil is going to make it disappear is not going to happen. Accept that it is here. I know the pain has felt much worse, and I know it has felt much better than right at this precise moment. But it's not going anywhere. So accepting it is here has taken away a lot of tension. Which, ta-da, helps with dealing with the pain. Oh, and suck it the fuck up Stell-bot.

Yeah look, I've read my epiphanies back and I know you thought this was going to be really deep and meaningful and help you achieve a level of enlightenment that you otherwise wouldn't have reached without my deep mindful guidance and stretched yoga panted ass, but I gave fair warning. This was about MY soul. And shit ain't that deep in there.

Fuck I wish I could sleep.

*Just need to clarify that I'm not wanting to have a sex dream involving necrophilia. The person I want in the dream has died in real life, but I would prefer a live version in my dream. (I've really just jinxed myself to a night terror + plus sleep paralysis combo involving necrophilia. I just know it.)

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