2017-01-28- 1:54 p.m.

"LIKE A WHIRLPOOL,


IT NEVER ENDS"

I have thought some more. Usual embarrassment at feeling emotions. Probably been thinking too much about my health, but not addressing it directly. Well, mostly because all people say is "Don't worry!" Which sort of stops that in its tracks.

I have another test this week, and I guess I am churning over a lot of subconscious thought about the limitations of time. It is pretty understandable to be overwhelmed by urges to clean up my mess. I have been trying not to think about all of the worst possibilities, which of course means that is all I can conceive of. It's the not knowing which is hard. I have not known for months now. Fuck me, it's a lot to be carrying around and pretending to be fine!

I woke up just yesterday with a huge guilt trip that my mother is getting older and I haven't spent much time with her. Granted, we do not live close by. But still. Way to be the prodigal child! Although, didn't the prodigal child return at some point, get his dick out and wave it around, and then...his parent killed him? I might be summarising that all wrong, but I don't spend a lot of time getting familiar with superstitions. (Oh, Bite me).

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