2017-01-28- 1:11 p.m.

"I'M SO WRAPPED UP IN A DAZE
HOPING THIS IS JUST A PHASE"


I woke up feeling all sorts of bad feelings today.


Last night I did a search in my emails for something, and un-covered a chapter I thought I had closed the lid on.


Sometimes I am asked about the sad expression I have on my face. Sometimes it is because of this.

I think I am really good at hiding how I feel. It has taken me almost forever to notice that my face is completely transparent and readable to others. I'm not a sphinx. It is all right there. You can see my beating heart.

And you can see this on me. The intensity of the sadness, that if my mind happens to touch on it, if it is incapable of doing the mental gymnastics required to skirt around it, it becomes present in the here and now. No matter where I am.

I know there is this idea that is prevalent that it is unhealthy to box things up and leave them alone. But some things are so immense, and there is nothing you can do to change it, that you have to leave them alone. I have mopped up all the pain I have caused and I feel it myself. This is my punishment.

I haven't cried very much in awhile, but I just started to. I have to spend the day reading and writing, so I am killing these feelings off. Can't read with sore eyes. Can't change the circumstances of life with sadness.

Can't be a bad-ass motherfucker with feelings.


PS: I'm just sorry.

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