2009-11-26- 12:54 a.m.

"TO SWIM YOU HAVE TO SWALLOW"

I've been doing something incredible with masturbation. Like who knew that you could still surprise yourself?

Have sex with someone on a semi-regular basis for a good whack of time, like, say, a year. Things change, develop, somehow get deeper. (And if they don't, clearly they are a dud fuck, your relationship is going nowhere, and you should give them the flick).

Try having sex with yourself for an entire mastabatory career. Yeah, things sometimes get stale. Passe. For instance, I'm a dab hand (ha!) at a 30 second achievable orgasm. If I want to spend time at it I can stretch the whole shebang to fifteen minutes. And if I am tired and can't focus, perhaps twenty minutes and then I quit. This is rare.

This past week I have had two orgasms that blew my mother-fucking mind. Is it the hormonally charged lead up to summer? And don't tell me you don't feel this people. Spring is prime time for mating. Even if it is with battery operated plastic.

The first, was my standard fare, nipple tweaking/fantasy in my head/sex toy...only, inexplicably (and by god if I could bottle this I would) the orgasm went like this: Tingly good orgasmy feelings, pause, tingly good orgasmy feelings, pause, tingly good orgasmy feelings, pause, tingly good orgasmy feelings, pause etc etc. The orgasm actually lasted, fuck, I don't know, thirty seconds. I wouldn't even call it a multiple orgasm, I would just call it a really fucking LONG orgasm. Incredible.

The second one happened this morning. I woke up naked at 11am, clutching my vibrator. I had planned on watching porn etc before bed but had dozed off and woken up 11 hours later. And I figured, hey! It's my day off, I'm incredibly horny, and I'm home alone. Why not begin the day in a royal fashion?

So I did. Only, and I don't know if it was because I know this is one of the last times I will be totally alone in pants land that caused the inhibition, but as I was building up to the good stuff, I just lost it. I came like a dude. Usually I can have dainty quiet lady-like orgasms (an unnatural adaptation to living in a place with no sound-proofing). There was no holding back with this one. Praise the lord I was completely alone because my facial expressions could only have been comical.

And all Hail Jesus I am not a dude, cos I would have gushed forth with some mighty man-seed after that one. I nearly high-fived myself. But my hands were too sticky.

Oh, and I think I finally figured out the mystery of the "cum shot". Dudes, mysteriously to me, love this shit (whereas usually I close my eyes and go back to internal fantasy until it comes back to the good stuff, like booby or penetration action). And it's because it LOOKS GOOD. Sperm looks totally awesome all over the chicas. It glistens in an aesthetically pleasing fashion. Not that I have penis envy or anything...

Or do I?!

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