2012-01-29- 8:14 p.m.

"AND I KNEW

I'D CHERISH ALL MY MISERY ALONE"

I have spent pretty much the whole day researching my family history. I have pretty much mapped out four generations.

I don't know, it was a hot day alright! I had to have something to while away these splendid summer hours indoors. Anything, anything, rather than preparing a statement for the police. After all, the cops remain forever free to eat my bountiful and still-pert ass.

I also did some light reading (Never Let Me Go and some historical novel about Elizabeth and Dudley - swoon), dyed my hair red, and ate a bunch.

My brain doctor was telling me about how weird people get about death. How friends of widows will cross to the other side of the street just to avoid that awkward: "Uh, sorry for your loss". I thought that was insufferably harsh. But then I thought about how people have treated me over the past few weeks. And I have to say, I have some friends and acquaintances whose faces I want to fuck right about now.

(And I don't mean that in a sexy way.)

However, I must remain positive by looking at the thoughtful and careful ways that some people have reacted. They rock, and I will be fucking their faces. In the sexy way.

Oh dear god, why do I have to do this statement bullshit? Goddamn it dad, you had to leave me to deal with some shiiiiiiit, mother-fucker.

And yeah yeah, I'm just being figurative people, I know that talking to a dead man is pointless slash borderline insane. Talking to Tosh the Teddy though, is a whole 'nother story. He gives great advice. He also has a consistently sad-eyed smile, no matter what I tell him.

Now I must leave the house at last and buy the newspaper so that I can lie in my bath reading it and drink gin and feel all warm and pleasant about life.

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